\ muddled thoughts!!!!: March 2006

Thursday, March 30, 2006

CONFUSED MIND?!?!?!?!?!

i'm here of course in front of my PC, blogging....

honestly, i really don't know what to say or what will be my entry's all about...

i'm really down, and i don't have someone to talk to...it's not that i don't have friends, it's me that don't wanna talk or say anything...

my mind right now is full of everything...thoughts from my very inside, from deep within...

i myself can't explain....

by the way, while doing this non-sense entry, i'm listening to kid rock's ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY....

maybe it's the answer for me right now....only God knows why....

here's the lyrics, try to ponder on it and you'll see that this one's full of sense:

ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY

I've been sitting here,
trying to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Looking for payback,
listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
Now I feel like number one,
yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son and
it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills
to helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills,
but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name,
they say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me,
it's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
to be some big shot like I am
Outstretched stands and one-night stands,
still I cant find love

And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around

And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around

People don't know about the things I say and do,
they don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home,
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long,
maybe i forgot all the things I've missed
some how I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in and people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been getting
I've been walking that thin line
So I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high
I'll keep moving on, and Only God Knows Why
Only God, Only God Only God Knows Why
Only God....Knows.... Why, why, why
Only God Knows Why
Take me to that river, hey
Won't you take me to the river,
hey,hey,hey

posted by crissel at 6:38 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 13, 2006

SHE STAYED!!!

She showed up at my door at the worst possible time, but then her timing had always been impeccable. I had been alone all weekend -- the kids were with their father, and my "close friends" headed for the hills as soon as they heard I was ill. She pounded on my door for a lifetime and would have pounded all weekend if I had not eventually answered. She knew I was there and would not be ignored. I didn't want her there. I didn't know her well enough to let her see my filthy rooms, the sinks and counters piled with moldering dishes. She had no right to see the mounds of laundry or the overflowing and scattered trash. I opened the door a crack and told her to go away.

She said, "No."

She wasn't 5'2" but was strong enough to force herself through the crack I made. She wasn't a friend. I couldn't trust her. I couldn't trust anybody. Everybody leaves because everybody that mattered to me had already left. She would also leave if I let her be my friend. When she knew what was wrong, she would join them and the sooner the better. She had interrupted me. She said, "We were supposed to go fishing today, did you forget?"

I had forgotten. I told her I didn't want to go fishing. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted her to leave because I didn't want anyone there. "Please just leave me the hell alone." However, she's older than I by a good 20 years and must know me better than I know her.

She said, "No." She stayed.

I felt desperate. The kids would be back the next day. I didn't want to be alive by then. I would have to deal with life for another two weeks if that happened. I had to get rid of her so I could take care of business. How the hell was I gonna convince this stupid old broad that there were more important things in life than fishing for god's sake? I got mean. I cussed -- a lot. I was drunk already and kept on drinking. She took away my bottle. I fought and lost. It was my last one and she poured it down the drain. Damn she's strong! I told her I needed a nap. I wanted to sleep.

She said, "No." She stayed.

She kept me awake. She put me in the shower. She washed me and washed my hair. It had been a month. It was cold. I yelled. I screamed. I called her every vile name in the book then started making some up. She dried me off and found some clean clothes from god knows where. I told her that she had now done her good deed. She could go. Please just get the hell out.

She said, "No." She stayed.

I passed out. She found my pill bottles (Valium, Remeron, Ambien, Elavil, Xanax, Tofranil, Haldol, even Tylenol and aspirin) all lined up in a neat little row on the table. The caps were off ready to empty. I'm nothing if not methodical. My note was short. There was little to say. "I'm sorry. I'm manic-depressive. I'm useless."

She said, "No." She stayed.

I GUESS ALL OF US ARE LIKE THIS GURL...UNCONDITIONAL FRIENDS!!!


posted by crissel at 6:19 PM 0 comments

Thursday, March 09, 2006

ARE YOU STRESSED???

36 CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

An angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

  1. Pray
  2. Go to bed on time
  3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed
  4. Say NO to projects that won't fit into your time schedule or that will compromise you mental health
  5. Delegate tasks to capable others
  6. Simplify and unclutter your life
  7. Less is more (although one is often not enough, two are often too many)
  8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places
  9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; Don't lump the hard things all together
  10. Take one day at a time
  11. Separate worries form concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it
  12. Live within your budget; Don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases
  13. Have backups (always); An extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
  14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut) This single piece of ad-vice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble
  15. Do something for the kid in you everyday
  16. Carry a BIBLE with you to read while waiting in line
  17. Get enough rest
  18. Eat right
  19. Get organized so everything has its place
  20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life
  21. Write down thoughts and inspirations
  22. Everyday, find time to be alone
  23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray
  24. Make friends with Godly people
  25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand
  26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "THANK YOU JESUS"
  27. Laugh
  28. Laugh some more!
  29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all
  30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can)
  31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most)
  32. Sit on your ego
  33. Talk less; Listen more
  34. Slow down
  35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe
  36. Every nigh before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before

GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU!!

"IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?" (ROMANS 8:31)

posted by crissel at 9:36 AM 1 comments

Friday, March 03, 2006

MARCH NAAAAA!!!!!!

hey, i'm here again!!! i didn't had time to post anything nung february due to the busy sched sa work and sa life :) hehehehe...daming nangyari ng feb, isa-isahin natin....

feb 14 - valentine's day.....yun lang valentine's lang....date? no date, bahay lang po....but i was happy kasi it's the day of love...although we know we must love each other everyday diba...

feb 19 - nakakawindang na araw, I LOST MY FONE!!! haaaaaaayyyy...here's the story...i went to church late na, it was already i think 2:30 pm coz i felt soooo tired i want to rest...then around 4:45 pm i was looking for my fone in my bag just to check if i got any messages, then WALAHHH!!! my fone is not there anymore...so i called at our house to verify if i left my fone there but when i called my fone to my surprise someone answered...i thought i left it on the cab on my way to church but as far as i can remember i didn't open my bag inside the cab because i was pre-occupied thinking over some things...i felt weird and nervous, how will i explain to my mom that i lost my very valuable fone...but instead of getting mad, my mom just had no reaction...she just advised me to talk to the culprit and ask to give my fone back...sayang lang talaga dahil all my important messages are there since 2001, imagine it was already part of my life...and another thing was i had soooo many pictures there, yah know, friends family and of course mine...since i know that i cannot do anything about it, nag-joke na lang ako...i said naku! baka makita ko na lang yung mga pictures ko sa internet with no clothes on...hehehehe....as if!!! good thing was, my very treasured and good friends (almost my bestfriends) are there...they helped me get over the tragedy...sooo with that i realized things such as never give your trust to someone that easy coz you know, we have a hint who took my fone but nevertheless we're not yet sure, that's why we're keeping quiet about it, 2nd thing is, i've gained my friends more (leth, leo, janette, shad and kathy) thanks to them dahil i didn't had to fret too much losing my cel...anyways my celfone number is still my number, guess that's the good thing with having a line...anyways, forget about it...nangyari na ang dapat mangyari...

feb. 25 - this was the shower party, of course for the bride to be, leth...i was stressed that day kasi daming work, then we did the dashboard discussion and i was preparing for the party as in talking and texting here and there. i got out of the office around 6pm...that was too late...kasi ang usapan is we'll meet at 6:30 pm sa church...eh i will buy the chicken and chips pa...so i think it took me an hour or so to get to ate ynah's pad buti na lang naimbento ang MRT and imagine this nauna pa ko sa kanila...so there we were, ate ynah, kat, janette, ptr. Linda, anne and of course me...pinagtripan namin si leth, we told her that a stripper would come and mag-ingat sya kasi mahal ung bayad namin dun...without knowing that her fiancee would be the stripper (syempre joke lang yun na may stripper)...actually, nakakakilig ung moment na yun...then kwento kwento so nakatulog na kami around 4 or 5 am then i got up at around 7:00 and it was already the start of....

feb. 26 - i went to church at around 8 am because i'm one of the speakers for the Love Forum of the YCC...funny nga yun kasi i played safe on all of my answers...but it was a privilege to share my thoughts kahit mejo sablay...hehehehe...pero i am sleepy the whole day kasi wala kaming tulog galing sa shower party...

feb. 27 - i was preparing myself for the overnight in the Silang Forest Life...dun kasi yung wedding ni leo and leth...so due to my excitement on the the night swimming i bought a two-piece swimsuit, pero di ko din sya nagamit but it's okei at least i have something to use kapag nag-outing kami dito sa office...again, puyat na naman kami coz i went to sleep at 3 am and got up at around 6 am...and ito na ang simula ng...

feb. 28 - the wedding day...as i said i got up at six to prepare somethings needed in the ceremony, we're so busy that i didn't had time to talk to leth on how i really feel...i was very happy for her...no words is enough to explain how glad i am to witness that very special day in her life...of course i was the maid of honor...from the start till end i was crying, ganun pala ung feeling kapag sobrang close mo yung ikakasal, daig ko pa nga ung bride...sobrang iyakin ko talaga!!! after the wedding we rest for a while and head our way back to manila because we need some rest din coz bukas is pasukan na naman sa office...

sooooo i guess that's what happened in february...masaya na malungkot...i've gained and i've lost things in my life but hell, who needs to be sad over the things i've lost diba, from there i've learned, i've cried and maybe i've known myself better...there are still many many things that happened that i cannot tell but i am looking forward this month that it will be great for all of us, less sadness, less problems, less tears but more happiness, more smiles, more laughs...we must live life :)

posted by crissel at 5:12 PM 5 comments