THE INSANITY
It's so freaking hard to fall in love with someone who is in love with someone else. You love them with all your heart and that's basically the end of the story: you love them with all your heart. You try to get away from them, it'll pain you. Let yourself get too close, you'll end up crying just the same. Then you told yourself that maybe you just need to give it some time. So you wait.
Then you wait some more. When you finally got the chance to de-frost your freakin brain, you realize that they've decided to leave. They didn't even bother to say hi. They just left. Left without even coming in. And you sit there wondering "I thought they'll love me."
Everything you do, every diversion that you make, you just can't seem to forget them. Then you ask yourself why these "unforgettable" people have to exist in the first place? And why, for crying out loud, do you have to fall in love with them? And why, after everything that you just did, can't they seem to understand the reason why you do the things that you do? And why, despite you making them the center of your universe, can they not even realize that you actually exist? Why do you have to be a mere dust in their freakinly vast universe?
So you climbed the highest mountain and swam the deepest ocean (regardless of whether you actually knew how to swim) just to let them take you into their world. Stupid you. Like a paper clip drawn into a magnet, you were reeled in. And things got even more complicated. Like an answering machine gone haywire, you spill your guts on them. And before you know it, you're now the very best of friends. You tell them that you're in love. You tell them that you're hurting. You tell them everything except of course that it's them you're in love with. They'll console you. They'll try to make you feel better. Then they'll say, "It's okay. You'll never know. Know what, it might actually turn out that they're in love with you, too, you know. Besides, they're pretty stupid to not realize what a great catch you are." Then they'll look at you and smile. Sheesh.
Your close friends have been telling you to just stop being stupid and stop playing the martyr. Leave them, for goodness'sake. But you just stood your ground and stubbornly refused. They tell you that enough is enough and yet you can't bring yourself to see where they're coming from. All this time you can still say that you're okay. So they'll just shrug their shoulders in resignation and ask you, "tatagal ka ba?" Then you look at them, break down, and in between crying you heart out and blowing your nose, says, "Mahal ko siya e. Kakayanin ko. Mahal ko talaga e."
Time passed and seasons changed but you're still on square one. (Heck, you're not even in the square to begin with.) All those times you've kept your fingers crossed, hoped for a miracle to happen. Guess what? Something did happen. They fell in love. Thing is, not with you. They tell you all about it. You could see them glow, feel their giddy exuberance. You smiled through it all even if you're already breaking down on the inside. You can see their life opening up in front of them; yours on the other hand just stopped dead. But you managed. You don't want them to see you in pain. You don't want to ruin their happiness. Even if you actually died the moment they started living, you continued to exist. For them.
You tried to distance yourself from them. You tried to pretend that nothing's wrong. You tried damn well to make yourself look okay. You never stopped trying. But no matter how much you try, you just can't make yourself unlike them - unlove them. You just can't. Those eyes that smiles each word they say will silently unleash your disobedient imagination. So you tried to console yourself with the thought that you guys are actually friends. "Better have the friendship than have nothing at all", you say.
So you watched them. Watched them grow. Watched them laugh. Watched them fell deeper in love. In between being in love with them and being their friend, you started finding yourself. You realized one dreadful fact: your own person has been etched in their entire being. You shook your head and tried to deny this. You reasoned out that it cannot be possible. You don't need someone to be yourself. You don't need them to find yourself. And definitely not them. They can never be the essence of your life. It's just not possible.
You're just in love with them. They're just your first thought when you wake up every morning. They're just the last person you see in your dreams. They're just a part of your existence, of yourself. They're nothing but the exact embodiment of every graceful fancy that you have acquainted yourself with. They are nothing, really. It's not a big deal that you seem to see them everywhere: on the winds, on the walls, on the clouds, on the light, on the darkness - it's no big deal that you seem to project their image on the nearest blank space. They're nothing but a part of your character: of the good side and of the bad. There's nothing much with them defining your personality, molding your exact persona. It's not really important that you become the person that you are because of them. Or that you want to be a better person to be with them. It doesn't even matter that you've let go of the person that you used to be to deserve them. It doesn't really mean anything that the main reason that you're still breathing, that your heart's still beating, that you want to go on living, is them.
No big deal, really. They're not the essence.
So you continued to exist. Continued to laugh with them. Joke around with them. Lend them your hankie and your shoulder when they're down. Continued being their friend. Continued all the insanity. Continued dying a slow and very painful death. And yet, on the contrary, the essence they bring in your life made you continue on living. It's a never-ending cycle.
Once in your life you will meet someone like them. You will love them. Stay in love with them. And fall in love with them some more. Someone who will make you fight, give up everything, lay bare your soul, open up your heart. Someone who will make you fear tomorrow for you might realize that they're no longer a part of this world but they're still a part of yours- and yet embrace the unknown just the same. Someone who will bring you the most genuine smile and break your heart in a matter of second. Someone who will give meaning into your life and yet not make you the meaning of theirs.
You can always see them, touch them, know them, feel them,but you know in your heart that you can never have them. You can go on loving them, but it won't change the fact that they'll never love you back on the same manner that you loved them.
Funny thing though, you can still feel your heart beating..
Then you wait some more. When you finally got the chance to de-frost your freakin brain, you realize that they've decided to leave. They didn't even bother to say hi. They just left. Left without even coming in. And you sit there wondering "I thought they'll love me."
Everything you do, every diversion that you make, you just can't seem to forget them. Then you ask yourself why these "unforgettable" people have to exist in the first place? And why, for crying out loud, do you have to fall in love with them? And why, after everything that you just did, can't they seem to understand the reason why you do the things that you do? And why, despite you making them the center of your universe, can they not even realize that you actually exist? Why do you have to be a mere dust in their freakinly vast universe?
So you climbed the highest mountain and swam the deepest ocean (regardless of whether you actually knew how to swim) just to let them take you into their world. Stupid you. Like a paper clip drawn into a magnet, you were reeled in. And things got even more complicated. Like an answering machine gone haywire, you spill your guts on them. And before you know it, you're now the very best of friends. You tell them that you're in love. You tell them that you're hurting. You tell them everything except of course that it's them you're in love with. They'll console you. They'll try to make you feel better. Then they'll say, "It's okay. You'll never know. Know what, it might actually turn out that they're in love with you, too, you know. Besides, they're pretty stupid to not realize what a great catch you are." Then they'll look at you and smile. Sheesh.
Your close friends have been telling you to just stop being stupid and stop playing the martyr. Leave them, for goodness'sake. But you just stood your ground and stubbornly refused. They tell you that enough is enough and yet you can't bring yourself to see where they're coming from. All this time you can still say that you're okay. So they'll just shrug their shoulders in resignation and ask you, "tatagal ka ba?" Then you look at them, break down, and in between crying you heart out and blowing your nose, says, "Mahal ko siya e. Kakayanin ko. Mahal ko talaga e."
Time passed and seasons changed but you're still on square one. (Heck, you're not even in the square to begin with.) All those times you've kept your fingers crossed, hoped for a miracle to happen. Guess what? Something did happen. They fell in love. Thing is, not with you. They tell you all about it. You could see them glow, feel their giddy exuberance. You smiled through it all even if you're already breaking down on the inside. You can see their life opening up in front of them; yours on the other hand just stopped dead. But you managed. You don't want them to see you in pain. You don't want to ruin their happiness. Even if you actually died the moment they started living, you continued to exist. For them.
You tried to distance yourself from them. You tried to pretend that nothing's wrong. You tried damn well to make yourself look okay. You never stopped trying. But no matter how much you try, you just can't make yourself unlike them - unlove them. You just can't. Those eyes that smiles each word they say will silently unleash your disobedient imagination. So you tried to console yourself with the thought that you guys are actually friends. "Better have the friendship than have nothing at all", you say.
So you watched them. Watched them grow. Watched them laugh. Watched them fell deeper in love. In between being in love with them and being their friend, you started finding yourself. You realized one dreadful fact: your own person has been etched in their entire being. You shook your head and tried to deny this. You reasoned out that it cannot be possible. You don't need someone to be yourself. You don't need them to find yourself. And definitely not them. They can never be the essence of your life. It's just not possible.
You're just in love with them. They're just your first thought when you wake up every morning. They're just the last person you see in your dreams. They're just a part of your existence, of yourself. They're nothing but the exact embodiment of every graceful fancy that you have acquainted yourself with. They are nothing, really. It's not a big deal that you seem to see them everywhere: on the winds, on the walls, on the clouds, on the light, on the darkness - it's no big deal that you seem to project their image on the nearest blank space. They're nothing but a part of your character: of the good side and of the bad. There's nothing much with them defining your personality, molding your exact persona. It's not really important that you become the person that you are because of them. Or that you want to be a better person to be with them. It doesn't even matter that you've let go of the person that you used to be to deserve them. It doesn't really mean anything that the main reason that you're still breathing, that your heart's still beating, that you want to go on living, is them.
No big deal, really. They're not the essence.
So you continued to exist. Continued to laugh with them. Joke around with them. Lend them your hankie and your shoulder when they're down. Continued being their friend. Continued all the insanity. Continued dying a slow and very painful death. And yet, on the contrary, the essence they bring in your life made you continue on living. It's a never-ending cycle.
Once in your life you will meet someone like them. You will love them. Stay in love with them. And fall in love with them some more. Someone who will make you fight, give up everything, lay bare your soul, open up your heart. Someone who will make you fear tomorrow for you might realize that they're no longer a part of this world but they're still a part of yours- and yet embrace the unknown just the same. Someone who will bring you the most genuine smile and break your heart in a matter of second. Someone who will give meaning into your life and yet not make you the meaning of theirs.
You can always see them, touch them, know them, feel them,but you know in your heart that you can never have them. You can go on loving them, but it won't change the fact that they'll never love you back on the same manner that you loved them.
Funny thing though, you can still feel your heart beating..
posted by crissel at 5:00 AM
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